"A ________ walks into a bar" jokes

lcafiero · 2011-12-08 05:06:29

[Well, that's interesting - an item I wrote just disappeared. Let's try this again.]

Recently some folks I know got together and the topic of "A ____ walks into a bar" jokes came up, and everyone shared their jokes. Like:

A neutron walks into a bar and the bartender says, "for you, no charge."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, where's the bartender?"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face" and then a ton of greek soldiers climb out and kill everyone. (OK, so that was the most obtuse one of the group).

One of my recent favorites, made before neutrinos were found not to be faster than the speed of light after all:

And the bartender says, "We don't serve neutrinos here." A neutrino walks into a bar . . . .

Any others?

pvsage · 2011-12-08 06:30:58

A bass player walks into a bar. "Ouch!"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

...then there's the string joke, which I will not repeat here...

(EDIT: That should be "will knot"...so now even if you haven't heard the joke, you know the punchline...)

Last edited by pvsage (2011-12-08 14:20:52)

machinebacon · 2011-12-08 07:58:50

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

ReverendDexter · 2011-12-08 14:23:32

A man walks into a bar... he should've ducked.

Two men walk into a bar... you'd think the second one would've seen it.

Three men walk into a bar... alright, this is just getting painful!

machinebacon · 2011-12-08 14:29:00

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

rhowaldt · 2011-12-08 14:43:24

machinebacon wrote:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

hahahaha

pvsage · 2011-12-08 14:52:26

ReverendDexter wrote:

A man walks into a bar... he should've ducked.

Well, he was probably a lead guitarist.

Two men walk into a bar... you'd think the second one would've seen it.

bass player?

Three men walk into a bar... alright, this is just getting painful!

...drummer...

pvsage · 2011-12-08 14:56:10

machinebacon wrote:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

http://youtu.be/8X_Ot0k4XJc

machinebacon · 2011-12-08 15:08:03

B flat, D flat and F walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve minors". So D flat leaves, and B flat and F have an open fifth between them.

Awebb · 2011-12-08 15:52:31

pvsage wrote:

...then there's the string joke, which I will not repeat here...

But I will!

Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings." The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out. Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar. The bartender scowls, "Aren't you one of the strings I threw out an hour ago?" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

lcafiero · 2011-12-08 17:35:26

/me opens palm, inserts face.

All of them are good ones. Thanks for the string joke, Awebb.

Last edited by lcafiero (2011-12-08 17:39:13)

vlahonick · 2012-08-01 20:14:05

@machinebacon haha good one

like the neutrino one too xD

dawiba · 2012-08-01 20:28:11

.)

Last edited by dawiba (2014-04-04 17:00:35)

mrpeachy · 2012-08-02 01:02:48

A white man, a black man and an Indian walk into a bar. What a wonderful example of an integrated society

damo · 2012-08-02 01:33:09

A rabbit walks into a bar, drums his paws on the counter and says "Got any carrots?"
Barman says "No, this is a bar you idiot"

An hour later the rabbit come back, drums loudly on the counter again, and asks for some carrots.
Barman is now getting pi**ed off - "I already told you, this is a bar. WE DON'T SERVE CARROTS! And if you bang on the bar again I'll nail your paws to it!"

An hour later the rabbit returns. Barman glares at it. Rabbit says "Got a hammer?"
Barman shouts "NO! This is a bar!"
Rabbit drums his paws on the bar and says "Got any carrots?"

Last edited by damo (2012-08-02 01:34:35)

pvsage · 2012-08-02 04:46:29

^

dawiba wrote:

Two consonants and a vowel go into a bar...

Fixed it for ya.

hhh · 2012-08-02 23:15:29

Caution, dumb blonde joke ahead...

Three blondes walk into a bar and order shots, they toast to "57 days!" After four or so rounds of this, the bartender asks what they're celebrating... "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 57 days, and on the side of the box it said 3 to 4 years!"

This is my latest favorite quickie joke, though it's not a walk-into-a-bar joke...

A priest is checking into a hotel. As he's concluding his check-in, he asks the concierge if she can make sure the porn channels in his room are disabled. She looks at him wide-eyed and says, "Uuuh, noooo... they're just normal porn, you sick bastard!"

FiniteStateMachine · 2012-08-02 23:59:07

A longer "walks into a bar" joke:

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The barman frowns. The man downs it quickly, and proceeds to jump out the window. The fall is at least 10 stories, but 10 seconds later he walks into the bar.
He asks for another beer, downs it, and jumps out the window again. Of course, he comes back 10 seconds later.
Finally a man asks him "how do you do that?" He replies, "simple. I just down a pint of beer and jump out the window!"
The man decides he wants to give it a shot. He downs a pint of beer and jumps out the window. Splat.
The bartender faces the first patron and says - "Superman, I hate it when your drunk."

saneks · 2012-08-03 01:43:28

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Last edited by saneks (2012-08-03 01:49:52)

chillicampari · 2013-09-06 22:31:29

Five Linux users enter a bar. After seating themselves, the bartender asks "Hey you two, what'll it be?"

Forthy · 2013-09-06 23:06:36

Adapted to suit...

A geek walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. It's a glorious 2 ft tall multi coloured parrot with golden claws, bright blue eyes, perfect feathers, and amazing posture. Impressed, the barman says : "Wow! Where did you get that from?"

The parrot replies : "crunchbang forums, there's loads of 'em"

falldown · 2013-09-07 01:28:04

@Forty..HaHaHa.. my wife hit me on the shoulder and called me a "GEEK"..

Last edited by falldown (2013-09-07 18:30:04)

Forthy · 2013-09-07 02:16:48

^I do always try to encourage marital happiness with my humour...

gutterslob · 2013-09-07 04:19:36

A young nascar couple walk into a bar, fresh from a day at the races.
Bartender: Welcome sir. What can I get you?"
Man: A shot of bourbon.
Bartender: ...and what will your cousin be having?

1002richards · 2013-09-07 08:01:30

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Last edited by 1002richards (2013-09-07 08:01:54)

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#1 2011-12-08 05:06:29

"A ________ walks into a bar" jokes

#2 2011-12-08 06:30:58

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#3 2011-12-08 07:58:50

Re: "A ________ walks into a bar" jokes

#4 2011-12-08 14:23:32

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#5 2011-12-08 14:29:00

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#7 2011-12-08 14:52:26

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#9 2011-12-08 15:08:03

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#10 2011-12-08 15:52:31

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#11 2011-12-08 17:35:26

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#12 2012-08-01 20:14:05

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#13 2012-08-01 20:28:11

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#14 2012-08-02 01:02:48

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#15 2012-08-02 01:33:09

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#16 2012-08-02 04:46:29

Re: "A ________ walks into a bar" jokes

#17 2012-08-02 23:15:29

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#18 2012-08-02 23:59:07

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#19 2012-08-03 01:43:28

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#20 2013-09-06 22:31:29

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#21 2013-09-06 23:06:36

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#22 2013-09-07 01:28:04

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#23 2013-09-07 02:16:48

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